Music
First and foremost, you must set the mood for your party. What I'm saying is, turn up the blinking lights and slap some cheesy seasonal records on the turntable. Preferably at top volume. Here are my personal picks for the absolute worst in Christmas music...which really sets the tone with a room full of drunken louts in ugly sweaters.
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas Offender: Gayla Peevy
Ok, why a hippo and not, say, a red eyed tree frog? Can you just imagine the huge, steaming piles to clean up? I don't get it.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer Offender: Elmo and Patsy
Admittedly campy, but I actually like this song.
Christmas Shoes Offender: Bob Carlisle
So it's like this. One local radio station starts playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving....24 hours a day...non stop. I am not making this up. And this damn, sappy song is played at least 47 times an hour. 1st time: ok song. 3,056,981th time: I want to shove a plastic fork in my ear.
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth Offender: Spike Jones & His City Slickers
Nothing makes me want to cut a rug more than a badly singing, toothless child sporting a speech defect. FAIL.
Last Christmas Offender: WHAM
Dear WHAM: please stick to waking me up before you go go and careless whispering. Thank you, that is all.
Jingle Bells Offender: The Barking Dogs
Since I can't even get my dog off the couch, I can't fathom how they lined up these dogs to bark at the appropriate times.
Anything by Mariah Carey and/or the entire New Kids on the Block Christmas album
'Nuff said.
Games
Of course you must keep your guests entertained, so here's a few activities which, we've discovered, are more fun whilst imbibing gallons of holiday spirits.
Gag Gift Exchange
Have everyone bring a horrible, ugly or just downright bizarre wrapped gift to exchange- this activity is most fun after cocktails have been heavily ingested and cousin Larry is wearing a lampshade. Some examples from previous Ugly Sweater parties include:
-70's rotary phone sans cord (cordless phone - get it? Now that's funny, I don't care who ya are)
-tacky knick knacks
-9 year old fruitcake
-opened box of Depends
-painted rock
-giant fork and spoon
-humungo sized underwear
-maxi pad slippers (these were hysterical - we found instructions here)
-box of XS condoms
-losing lottery tickets
-one shoe
The goal is to bring whatever useless, tacky, used, hilarious objects you can scrounge from around your house. Have everyone draw names or numbers and let the hilarity ensue.
Pass the Bows
Hand out wrapping bows (the sticky kind) to each guest to wear on their sweater. Whenever someone says "ugly sweater" the person nearest steals their bow. The guest wearing the most bows at the end of the party wins a prize. And don't go sticking the bows all over your naughty bits because even though you think you're being funny and original.....you're not.
Christmas Balls
Fill a clear container with ornaments. The guest that guesses the number of balls wins a prize.
Refreshments
What would an Ugly Sweater party be without alcohol?
Snow Job
2 oz. pear schnapps
1 oz. half and half
Mix ingredients and sprinkle with ground cinnamon.
Snowman Piss
4 oz. eggnog
1/2 oz. white chocolate liqueur
1 oz Southern Comfort
Mix ingredients, serve chilled
Candy Cane Martini
1 -2 oz vodka
1- 1 ½ tsp peppermint schnapps
Mix and serve chilled, in a martini glass rimmed in crushed candy canes.
Reindeer Piss
Hot cider. 'Nuff said.
For snacks, we suggest.....
Snowman Balls
2 1/2 cup graham cracker crumbs
2T baking cocoa
1 cup powdered sugar
1 cup chopped nuts
1/4 cup coconut syrup
1/4 cup rum or brandy
Mix all ingredients together, form 1" balls and roll in shredded coconut. Tip: the liquor is for the recipe - not for sneaking drinks betwixt mixing like I did and ended up rolling the dog in coconut.
Leftover Sweater Fuzz AKA Belly Button Lint
Dye cotton candy with red or green food coloring and serve in a festive bowl.
Reindeer Poop
1 bag semi sweet chocolate chips
2 cups chinese noodles
Melt chocolate chips and stir in chinese noodles. Spoon onto wax paper lined cookie sheets and allow to harden. Tip: for extra gross out factor, add a plastic fly on top.
Snowman Poop
1 bag mini marshmallows
peanuts
Mix together and serve. Don't laugh - it's actually quite tasty.
And of course you'll need some Ugly Christmas Sweaters like these fine examples that can be found at RetroAndBeyondVintage.com.
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